


On the Edge of Despair

by kickcows



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Consensual, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-17 09:41:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8139436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kickcows/pseuds/kickcows
Summary: After the fight on Malachor, Kanan seals himself away from his friends. It takes Ezra to help break him out of the funk he's in, and shows him that maybe things may not be as bad as he thinks they are.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back after the season 2 finale aired, but haven't had the courage until now to post this fic. I really love these two, and I hope that I've done them justice. :') Please enjoy!

* * *

***

Everything is loud. Too loud. The sounds of the ship seem to be magnified now, the constant hum of the lights - the way the circuit breakers connect. Everything is too damn _loud_. Kanan winces when he hears the door open to his room, wishing that whoever it was would just go away. He keeps his back turned, laying on his bunk, hoping that whoever it is would take the hint, and just allow him to be alone.

“H-Have you eaten?” Kanan feels a certain calmness come over his body, when he hears the person speak, the nervous stutter an endearing trait that they’ve seemed to have picked up as of late.

Keeping his back turned, Kanan sees no point in showing his face. What’s there to look at, except the bandage that covers where his eyes once were? “I’m not hungry,” he mumbles.

“You need to eat.” Ezra walks over to the bunk. “Hera sent me in here, because she said she’s had no luck in getting you to do anything.”

He snorts at the irony of the request. “Funny, she once had me do the same for you.”

“I remember.” The mattress sinks, Ezra sitting on the edge of the bed. “You gotta eat, Kanan.”

“I’ll eat later.” He hasn’t had an appetite since returning from their excursion Malachor. Hera had tried to feed him, and he would eat what was necessary to function, but other than that, he couldn’t stomach anything.

A hand touches his arm, making him startle. “Please, Kanan. If you don’t eat, you’ll die,” Ezra speaks softly. “You can’t leave me.”

“I won’t die.” He turns to lay on his back. After a few moments of silence, he sighs softly. “How are the others?”

“Everyone is extremely tense.” Kanan can hear the weariness in his apprentice’s voice. “Hera snapped at Sabine earlier, because she was doing artwork on a wall that I guess Hera really didn’t want anything on.”

Kanan feels his lips start to turn up into a smile, which feels rather odd because he hasn’t had the energy, nor the desire to do such a thing since the temple. “I bet it must have been a doozy.”

“You have _no_  idea,” Ezra snorts. “Sabine’s still upset, but is trying very hard to not show it.”

“I bet.”

It’s nice to just have a conversation with someone. Especially with Ezra, because he had been feeling like Ezra had been purposefully avoiding him, but didn’t know how to come out and ask it. Perhaps that’s why Hera elected him to go and check up on him, when she could have easily had done it herself. He can sense where he is sitting, and slowly lifts up his hand to reach out and touch him. Through the guidance of the Force, he places his hand on Ezra’s knee, and feels him jump in surprise.

“What’s the matter?” He asks, surprised by Ezra being startled.

The sound of the air seems to change, as he hears Ezra shake his head. He wants to say that he can’t see it to Ezra, but quickly hears him gasp, followed by a groan. “S-Sorry! I was shaking my head just now,” his apprentice blurts out.

“I know, I could hear it.” Kanan gives Ezra’s knee a squeeze. “Please don’t be afraid of me,” he whispers, suddenly overcome with emotion.

“What? No!” The mattress shifts, and soon Kanan feels something warm on his chest. He lets go of Ezra’s knee, and places his hand on the back of Ezra’s head, the act vaguely familiar. “No, I’m not afraid of you!”

“Then what is it?” He asks, shifting over on the bunk, to allow Ezra to rest comfortably next to him. “I can sense that there’s something bothering you.”

It becomes quiet in the room, Kanan painfully aware of Ezra’s silence. He won’t force him to talk, because he knows that won’t get them anywhere. When his apprentice is ready to speak, he will. He feels the bed shift, and then feels Ezra’s head on his shoulder, his arm going naturally around his body to hold him close.

Kanan knows that he shouldn’t be doing this, but with everything that has happened, this is the first _normal_  thing that he’s been allowed to feel. Whenever Hera has tried to touch him, or tried to do anything, he just can’t handle it. But this? Just having Ezra close to him is putting him into a much better headspace than he has been the last few weeks. He’s not sure if Ezra notices it or not, but seems to scoot a little closer to him, when he’s realized how nice this feels.

A soft sigh tickles the side of his neck. “I feel awful,” Ezra finally answers his question. “And I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.”

“Why do you feel awful?” He asks, but he already knows the answer. It seems so foolish asking it out loud, when it can only be one thing.

The weight that’s on his shoulder moves to be back on his chest. “Do I really need to say it??”

“No,” Kanan’s hand goes back to rest on the back of Ezra’s head. “I hope you don’t blame yourself,” he speaks quietly.

This is the first time they’re talking about what has happened, and Kanan can feel that whatever progress they had been making a little short time ago seems to be disappearing fast. Before Ezra can shut down, he gently pushes his fingers through the thick strands of hair on the back of his apprentice’s neck. It feels the same as it did, but not being able to see the raven color just makes Kanan’s heart hurt. The raven hair, and his deep blue eyes.

“I do,” Ezra whispers, his face pressed against his chest. “It’s my fault that you lost your eyes.”

“Ezra, no.” Kanan shakes his head, embracing him close. “We all made the choice to go there that day. I knew that there was going to be a possibility that I might not return. So, losing my eyesight is a lot better than losing my life.”

He feels his apprentice shift. “How can you say that? If I hadn’t followed Maul, then we-”

“It’s useless to dwell on those scenarios, Ezra,” he speaks softly. “They won’t do any good.”

Neither talk, both becoming lost in their thoughts. Yes, Kanan’s dwelled on these thoughts over the last few weeks. What if he had been on a higher ground, what if he had had the upper hand? It didn’t matter, because it’s done. His eyes are _gone_. He won’t ever be able to see properly again. No seeing Sabine’s wild hair color, or her beautiful artwork, or see Zeb with his upset looks at having to do something he doesn’t want to do. No seeing Chopper getting sassy with Hera’s request, no more getting to see his best friend’s smile when she knows exactly what he’s thinking but doesn’t have to say it.

No longer being able to see Ezra.

Without thinking, he pulls his apprentice to lay on top of him, his hands going to his face. “K-Kanan, what-”

“Shh…” He whispers, fingers touching the scars on Ezra’s left cheek. “If this bothers you, just tell me?”

“It doesn’t,” Ezra speaks in a voice just as quiet as his own. He shifts his body to lay more comfortably on top of Kanan’s.

His fingers trace the unblemished skin on Ezra’s forehead, rubbing his thumbs over his closed eyelids. “Do you know what makes me most upset about….this?”

“W-What?”

Eyelashes feel soft against the pads of his fingers, the fluttering of his eyelids feeling like soft butterfly kisses. He moves his hands down, fingers touching Ezra’s lips, feeling his soft gasp touch his fingertips. He focuses on his lips, placing both of his hands on his apprentice’s jaw, letting his thumbs rub against his bottom lip. Pulling Ezra up with his hands, his lips touch the shell of his ear. “I’ll never get to see your face again…”

That breaks whatever restraint the two had been holding onto since Ezra had come into his cabin. His hands pulls Ezra’s face towards his own, their lips touching as he feels his apprentice breathe out a soft moan into his mouth. He feels his weight shift on top of him, his hands still holding onto his face as he slowly begins to deepen the kiss. Each sweep of his tongue against Ezra’s is another breath of life for him, making him moan low in his throat. He can feel Ezra’s hands on his face, forcing him to break off the kiss.

“Ezra, don’t…”

“Just let me? Please?”

He doesn’t answer, and instead just lets it happen. Ezra’s fingers touch the two sensors that cover both of his ears, a silent _whrrl_  unlocking them both. He feels Ezra pull them away from his ears, the cloth that’s been covering his face since their return from Malachor slides down the bridge of his nose. With the cloth gone, he has the strange phantom feeling of blinking his eyes, which he knows is not possible, since he was rendered sightless by Maul at Malachor. He whimpers softly, when he feels Ezra’s fingers touching his face, just as he had done only moments ago.

“The teal is gone,” Ezra mumbles against his lips, as his fingers touch where his eyes should be. “I miss-”

Pushing his fingers through Ezra’s hair, Kanan crushes his mouth against Ezra’s, not wanting to hear anything more, and instead, only wants to _feel_. He doesn’t need to know just how bad his apprentice wants to see his eyes, just as much as he wants to see his. It isn’t something that either can dwell on, because it will never be. They must accept it, and move on in their lives. Each kiss that they share, however, becomes more and more passionate, as Kanan just lets his feelings take over.

Each touch of Ezra’s tongue, along with the touch of his groin against his own, makes him groan low in his throat. He wants more, wants their clothes to be gone. He quickly moves his hands to his pants, and unzips them without ceremony. He hears Ezra inhale, and soon the pants that are on his body are moving down at the same time as Kanan’s. His hand wraps around both of their arousals, the thickness of Ezra’s cock always a nice surprise to him.

“S-Should we be doing this?” His apprentice asks him, a low moan in his throat, as Kanan starts to stroke their cocks with a gentle flick of his wrist. “W-What about-”

“Shhh.” He somehow manages to find Ezra’s lips, and kisses away the questions, moving his hand at a more steady pace. “We both need this,” he speaks low into his ear.

Kanan hears him nod again, and doesn’t bother to correct him because what’s the point? He can sense it happening, so it’s not like it’s a complete waste. Instead, he focuses on listening to Ezra’s heartbeat, and how he can sense the blood rushing through his body, the hardness of his cock against his own quite the marvel. It had been too long that they’ve been skirting around this attraction. Of course, now that he’s blind, it no longer matters. Just take what you can. That’s his new philosophy. He doesn’t want to miss out on something else, just because it isn’t the _right_  thing to do. Just like he knows that these moments with his apprentice should not be happening. The Jedi do not take lovers, or others, and should only focus on themselves and the Force around them. But Kanan can’t do that. No, he loves how sex feels too much to give it up completely.

He hears Ezra start to breathe harder, as their hips roll faster together. “Don’t be scared,” he speaks low into his ear. “I’m here, Ezra…” Warmth spreads over his hands, as he feels his apprentice find his orgasm. A few bucks of his hips, and he’s coming too, his body feeling completely depleted, after having held off on touching himself for far too long.

They lay perfectly still, both remaining quiet as they regain their breathing. Kanan gasps a little when he feels Ezra’s lips touch his unexpectedly, but then slowly relaxes into the kiss, groaning low in his throat. The kiss ends, leaving the both of them a little breathless.

“So….” Ezra says, resting his head on his chest.

“Let’s not say anything.” Kanan replies, knowing just what is going on in his apprentice’s head. “It’s just between the two of us.”

“Will it happen again?” The genuine concern in his voice makes Kanan smile a little.

Placing a kiss on his lips, Kanan holds him close. “You know where to find me.”

Sharing a few more kisses, Ezra leaves him alone, but not before putting his bandage back on. He lays on the bunk, thinking about what he’s just done when he hears the door slide open. Even without his training, he knows who is standing there.

“Do you feel better?” Hera asks, a knowing tone in her voice.

He rolls over onto his side, away from the door. “And if I do?”

“I’m glad someone was able to make that happen.” She walks over to him, and places a kiss on his cheek. “Get some sleep. I’ll send Ezra in again in a few hours.”

“Thank you, Hera.” His voice carries the honesty he feels deep inside of his body.

She runs her fingers through his hair, then gives his shoulder a squeeze. “Just looking out for my best guy. Get some more rest.”

“Will do.” He nods.

Left alone once more, he thinks about how Ezra was able to pull him out of his funk. Maybe the Jedi were wrong. Maybe there was something to sharing a relationship with someone. Not that he’d ask Ezra to share something like that with him. No, he’d be happy to just share a pillow with him from time to time. And then some.


End file.
